Learn To Let Go
by nightowldreams
Summary: Alternative version of the office scene at the end of 19x20 "The Book of Esther" and the days that follow. Amanda struggles in the aftermath of Esther's death and Olivia is there for her. Hurt/comfort. Rolivia friendship.
1. Chapter 1

**"The Book of Esther" was a great episode and I loved it, but my heart needed more - more talking, more comforting, more Rolivia. This is my version of what (could have) happened in Olivia's office and in the two weeks after Esther's death. There will be four chapters (all of which are already written). Please note that English is not my first language and forgive me for using my two favorite words more than 24 times in total. I hope you enjoy reading this story!**

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"You fired the bullet that killed Esther Labott."

Amanda threw her lieutenant an incredulous look and for the fraction of a second, she wanted to laugh.

"That's impossible. I didn't…I couldn't have…" The words got stuck in the young detective's throat and she took a small step back from her boss, cocking her head in disbelief, an unspoken question lingering in the air between them.

She waited for Olivia to say something, anything really; to say that the lab must've made a mistake. It couldn't be. It wasn't possible. But the words Amanda so desperately needed to hear wouldn't come.

Olivia took a deep breath and held her gaze. There was no judgement in her eyes, only compassion and plain, unmasked sorrow for the younger woman.

The rage that had kept Amanda upright ever since she'd laid eyes on Esther's pale, lifeless body in the Labott house was gone in an instant, her breathing slowing down until the muscle in her chest resorted to thumping sluggishly against her ribcage in an effort to keep the blonde detective alive.

The world around her seemed to have come to a sudden stop. The only sound Amanda could hear was her own dull heartbeat drumming in her ears and she felt strangely disconnected from her body, hands and legs numb and prickly, as if the bloodflow had been cut off for too long. Amanda wasn't even sure if she was still standing or if her legs had given out beneath her. The edges of her vision started to blur and before she knew it, she was looking down a narrow black tunnel. She was underwater, sinking, drifting further towards the endless, deep black hole that promised a blissful silence and a place where pain didn't exist.

She was pulled back to the surface when she felt a tender hand on her upper arm.

"Amanda, breathe."

She sucked in a deep breath and could feel her body's shuddering relief at the sudden intake of oxygen. Looking up, her vision immediately zeroed in on the traitorous tears glistening in Olivia's dark brown eyes and out of nowhere, Amanda's heart clenched painfully as the truth hit her with the force of a freight train.

 _Oh god. Oh GOD._

"I- I did this?" she asked shakily. Olivia bit her lip, then lowered her gaze and gave her a tiny nod.

"I…killed her. I KILLED Esther." Amanda's blue eyes widened in shock, all color draining from her face, leaving it a ghostly white. "Ohhh- oh god. I can…I can't…" The smaller woman clasped a hand over her mouth, a rush of nausea climbing up her throat. She felt dizzy and disoriented, her eyes darting around the room, trying to find something to focus on, something to help ground her in reality. Tears welled up in her eyes and she didn't even try to hold them back. Olivia's grasp on her arm grew tighter and she gently pushed Amanda down into one of her office chairs as hot tears started to spill down the blonde's cheeks, her whole frame shaking with suppressed sobs as she desperately tried to remain quiet during her breakdown.

Olivia could feel her throat tighten at the sight of the smaller woman's despair. She swallowed thickly and licked her lips, pushing down her own emotions to deal with them later. She needed to pull herself together, for Amanda's sake. As a lieutenant, she knew that Amanda needed her guidance and support right now. As a friend, however, all she wanted to do was provide comfort for the sobbing mess slumped in her chair.

Olivia took a few seconds to steel herself for the task ahead, taking a deep breath in through her nose. She tucked her hair back behind her ears and crouched down in front of the crying blonde, both hands resting on her shoulders, and then squeezing them lightly to get her attention.

"Amanda, look at me," she said softly, tilting her head a little to make eye contact with the smaller woman.

No reaction.

"Amanda."

The younger woman shook her head, tears flying left and right, pressing her eyes closed to shut her boss and the world out.

" _Please_."

Olivia's voice was barely a whisper and it was the slight hitch in it that finally made Amanda look up. The tough detective's eyes were swimming with tears and the pain they held was so raw, so all-encompassing and completely overwhelming, that Olivia had to force herself not to look away. The older woman swallowed the lump in her throat and a low sigh escaped her lips. She briefly rubbed her hands up and down the blonde's arms before sliding them down and reaching for Amanda's cold, clammy hands.

"Listen to me, Amanda. It was an _accident_. The situation was…chaotic at best, and you only had a split second to decide what to do." The young detective opened her mouth in protest but was silenced by a firm squeeze of her hands. "No, you need to hear this," Olivia interrupted, determination now dominant in her voice, "you need to understand that you couldn't have predicted what was going to happen. You're only human, Amanda. Mistakes can happen. Unfortunately, this one was…" she paused, pressing her lips into a thin line, struggling to find the right words, "severe."

A joyless laugh erupted from Amanda's mouth and she looked at Olivia with a fiery glare, her eyebrows shooting up. "A mistake?! You do know what a mistake is, right? Mixin' up someone's coffee order or sleepin' with your bastard ex…but THIS?" She let go of Olivia's hands to drag them over her face, nails digging into soft skin, which made the brunette wince. "This…" she huffed and shook her head, the words stuck in her throat, "this is…" Her face contorted in anguish as an onslaught of memories invaded her mind unbidden, unwelcomed and unwanted.

Esther, grabbing at the small bag of candy in Amanda's hands, her movements wild like those of a starved animal, and her eyes unfocused and glazing over with hunger.

Esther, cowering cross-legged on the bed at Mercy hospital, shoveling yogurt into her mouth. _She keeps asking for more food, but we've got to take it slow_.

Esther, pressing her tiny, childlike body close to Amanda's in the squad room, clinging to her as if she was her only lifeline.

And then finally, Esther at the bowling alley, gaze wandering across the room before finding Amanda's eyes. Ironically, it was this quiet moment that haunted the blonde detective the most – not the one when she had learned about the lifelong abuse Esther had suffered or when she'd found her dead on the floor with blood seeping from her forehead.

At first, the malnourished girl had stared at her as if she wasn't sure what she saw was real. Then, a sense of calm seemed to wash over her haunted face. A brief moment of hesitation and the corners of her mouth lifted into a cautious smile.

Back then Amanda had been glad to see a sliver of hope lighting up Esther's eyes – proof that she hadn't lost the girl yet, that there was still some fight in her despite being brainwashed and abused her whole life.  
Back then Amanda's heart had fluttered with the knowledge that she'd been able to bring a little bit of comfort to this girl who had no one else in her corner. Now that image of a smiling Esther felt like a razor blade wandering through her gut, ready to cut her open at any given moment and make her bleed out slowly.

Of course now none of it mattered anymore. She had failed the young girl, just like she had failed so many people in her life – her sister, Lindsay Bennett, Reese and now Esther. Amanda had promised her that she was going to protect her from her father and she had been determined to help the traumatized girl start a new life, free from the abuse and the restrictions of her family. She couldn't know that the universe was working against her, that fate had decided to play a cruel joke on her.

Swamped with her memories and immense guilt, Amanda didn't realize that she had unconsciously wrapped her arms tightly around her ribcage, desperate to hold herself together as the painful memories clawed their way through her brain. It was only when she felt Olivia's gentle hands carefully prying her fingers off her own back that she found her way back to the present and to the woman in front of her, intense worry now radiating off the brunette and penetrating Amanda's skin like sunbeams on a warm summer day.

"Relax your hands, Manda, please. You're gonna be okay, I promise. You will get through this. The whole squad has your back. _I_ have your back" she soothed and placed Amanda's now free hands palm-down on her thighs. When she covered them with her own larger ones, Olivia could feel the violent tremors buzzing through the blonde's body. A wave of sadness ripped through the older woman and she entwined their fingers in an attempt to ground her distraught detective.

Amanda's lips quivered and she mumbled something that Olivia couldn't make out.

"Sorry, what did you just say?"

"That's what I told her. Es- Esther." Her voice was no more than a choked whisper and she hated herself for it. "I told her she was going to be okay."

"Oh Amanda…"

Olivia's heart clenched at the agony that the younger woman was experiencing and she wanted nothing more than to shield her from the pain and self-hatred she knew were burning their way through Amanda's insides like acid.

Hesitantly, Olivia raised a hand to brush away a strand of light blonde hair that hung in front of Amanda's big, watery eyes, not knowing if the touch would be welcomed by her usually so closed-off detective. When the blonde didn't pull away, Olivia tenderly cupped her left cheek and stroked her thumb over a high cheekbone in a repetitive motion, hoping that it would calm Amanda down and get her young detective to open up to her.

This was the closest they'd ever been, physically and emotionally. The two women have had a tough time building up trust over the years, Olivia again and again irritated by Amanda's impulsive and at times downright reckless behavior, and Amanda…well, if she was honest with herself, the seasoned lieutenant wasn't sure why the younger woman didn't seem to trust her. Then again, Amanda was not a trusting person in general. The only person she sometimes opened up to was her partner, who, Olivia was sure, had a watchful eye on her office door right this moment.

The brunette was pulled from her thoughts when the smaller woman lifted her gaze and looked at her through her tears.

"How am I supposed to live with this, Liv? How can I go on with my life like nothing happened, knowing that I am the reason that Esther Labott will never know what freedom feels like? Safety? Love? I didn't just take her life. I took away her dreams…her future." A heartfelt sob left Amanda's throat and she closed her eyes once more. She couldn't bear to see the compassion in the brunette's eyes, knowing that she didn't deserve it.

Olivia let out a sigh. It did not surprise her at all that Amanda was taking this so hard. She had seen the bond between Amanda and their young victim and she had been proud of her detective for showing so much empathy and gaining the girl's trust during the several interviews that she'd guided Esther through.

She also aware of the fact that Amanda was able to offer kindness and compassion to their victims, but did not feel like she deserved the same treatment. Reese Taymor was the living, breathing proof of that. Olivia knew that Amanda still carried a huge amount of guilt inside of her for not coming forward about her own assault. And now the death of Esther Labott was just another thing added to the growing pile of things Amanda would beat herself up about.

The brunette didn't let it show very often, but she was worried about the only other woman on the squad and she had been for a while now. The young detective never dealt with her problems head-on and that was not healthy, that much Olivia knew. She desperately needed Amanda to understand that this tragedy was not her fault and that she couldn't let it worm its way into her heart to fester. The older woman didn't know how much more the blonde could shoulder before she'd collapse under the collective weight of her past traumatic experiences. But she knew that she would no longer stand by and watch without doing everything in her power to help her.

"Listen to me." Olivia brushed her thumb lightly underneath Amanda's closed eye before sliding her hand down to take a hold of her quivering chin. The blonde's eyes opened slowly, but she didn't dare to make eye contact with her lieutenant.

"It is not your fault that her life was a living hell. That is on her father. That is on her mother. It is not on you." Amanda kept her gaze averted, ever so slightly shaking her head. Olivia tilted Amanda's chin upwards so that the young detective had no choice but to meet her eyes before she continued. "Do you hear me? You cannot blame yourself for everything bad that's happened to her. It won't do you any good and it won't bring her back."

"Yeah, thanks, I'm aware of that since I'm the one who put a bullet through her skull," Amanda spat out bitterly and the fury she had felt in the interrogation room earlier made a brief reappearance, angry sparks now visible underneath the sheen of tears in her eyes.

"Okay, Amanda, that's enough." Olivia's voice was still calm but firm and it held an urgency that wasn't there before. She knew if she lost Amanda now, she would probably not get a second chance to reach her, to get her to open up about this, ever again. Amanda was a very private person, had been from the moment Olivia met the young transfer from Atlanta. Seeing her so devastated and vulnerable tore at Olivia's heartstrings, but it also gave her a chance to help her deal with this tough situation before the stubborn detective could bury her feelings and run from them the same way she always did.

"You have got to stop doing this to yourself. Do you think Esther would have wanted that? Do you think she would want you to-"

"I DON'T _KNOW_ , OKAY?!" Amanda burst out, almost knocking Olivia off her feet when she jumped up from the chair, furiously wiping at her tears. "I don't know what she would've wanted, and neither do _you_ , Liv! And thanks to me, now we'll never know. I'm _so sick_ of you trying to justify what I did! I'm sick of men who believe they have the right to control women and their bodies! I'm sick of all the misogynists and child abusers and rapists! And I'm sick of myself and my obvious inability to be of use to anyone or anything in this world. I'm sick of all of it. I'm DONE."

Amanda started pacing restlessly, combing her hands through the strands of blonde hair that had come undone from her ponytail. The adrenaline was pumping through her veins, intense emotions brewing right underneath her skin, and she sucked in a couple of shuddering breaths through clenched teeth.

Olivia remained where she was in stunned silence, processing what Amanda had just said. She'd never seen her act this way before. The brunette realized with a start that she'd been right about Amanda possibly reaching her breaking point – she just hadn't expected it happening here, tonight. Olivia rose from her crouched position, her joints aching from being in such an uncomfortable position for so long. She took a few tentative steps in Amanda's direction, hands raised in a pacifying manner. Just when she was about to open her mouth to calm her detective down, there was a light knock on the door.

"Not now, Fin." the seasoned lieutenant called out in a tight voice, her eyes never leaving Amanda, who had come to a halt behind Olivia's desk, her back to the door, arms slung around her waist in a protective manner.

"There's something you need to see," his muffled voice came back through the door.

With an impatient sigh, Olivia stalked across the room and cracked the door open, ready to jump at Fin's throat for interrupting her conversation with Amanda. The angry frown on her face softened somewhat when she saw the worried look on her oldest friend's face as he tried to catch a glimpse of his partner over Olivia's shoulder.

"She okay?"

"Not really, no.", Olivia answered honestly, her tone low and strained. "Now, what's so important that it couldn't wait?"

She braced herself for bad news when she saw Fin's shoulders slump a little, but he just wordlessly handed her a small, clear evidence bag, and with one last look towards Amanda's still turned back, he walked over to his desk and sat down with a tired sigh.

Olivia closed the door and looked down at the bag in her hand. She forgot to breathe for a few seconds and froze on the spot. Out of the corner of her eyes, she could see that Amanda had turned around and was now studying her face.

"What's that?" The young woman's voice was small and scratchy. The rage had deflated just as quickly as it had appeared and now she was left feeling defeated, worn out and incredibly tired.

When her boss didn't answer immediately, the blonde furrowed her eyebrows and felt her heartrate pick up again.

"Liv…?"

Olivia lifted her gaze agonizingly slow and when she finally did lock eyes with Amanda, her brown orbs were full of tears.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for the reviews and follows! Chapter two picks up right where we left off. Enjoy!**

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Olivia cleared her throat and when she opened her mouth to speak, her voice sounded a little raspier than usual.

"Please sit."

Surprisingly, the blonde complied at once; whether she felt the importance of what was to come or whether she was just weary of fighting with her lieutenant, Olivia did not know.

"Bad news?" Amanda inquired hesitantly and let her eyes wander to the evidence bag in the brunette's hand. "It can't be worse than what you just told me, right?"

As soon as the words had left her mouth, a pained expression flashed across the young woman's face, regret etched into the wrinkles on her forehead. Amanda clenched her hands into fists, sharp fingernails digging into her palms, and the physical discomfort helped her smooth out her contorted features and replace them with a mask of calm.

Her love for the job and ability to compartmentalize had always been the anchor in Amanda's adult life, no matter how tall the dumpster fire got that was her personal life, with its screwed up family, mounting gambling debts and string of failed relationships.

Now that her job might be on the line, too, Amanda felt like control over her life was slipping out of her hands, and all she could do was watch from the sidelines. In addition to that, Esther's frightened face seemed to be permanently imprinted on her mind and the blonde could feel the guilt lying heavily on her chest. She wasn't sure it would ever fade; she wasn't sure if she deserved it to fade.

Amanda didn't know how much longer she could hold on to her sanity in Olivia's presence and she was deadly afraid of reaching that point and losing the last bit of respect her lieutenant might have for her.  
The young detective nervously kneaded her hands as the brunette approached her with a tentative look on her face, obviously fighting an internal battle with herself over sharing the new piece of information she had just received.

"To be honest with you, Amanda, I don't know if I should be showing this to you right now considering your-" Olivia stopped herself before she could say something that would upset Amanda even further. "…considering the day you've had. But you're going to find out anyway and I'd rather you hear it from me."

"Just spit it out, Liv, please. You're only makin' it worse."

Olivia nodded and handed her the evidence bag, her shoulders remaining tense and her gaze wary.

Amanda kept looking at her for a moment and it was her boss's unusual behavior, her barely concealed worry over her reaction that had the smaller woman on edge more than anything. She took in a deep breath and looked down. The transparent bag contained a paper napkin with a small company logo from a fast food place in the corner. The creases told her that it had been crumpled up, and that one of the CSU techs must have smoothed them out. There were several reddish stains on it where someone had wiped their mouth.

Amanda was about to ask what she was looking at when a tiny scribble in the far corner caught her eye. She tilted her head and squinted at the words hurriedly written in pencil in the uncoordinated handwriting of a child.

 _I'm sorry, Amanda. Thank you for everything._

"They…" Olivia swallowed hard and her voice was thick with emotion when she continued. "I think they found it in her fist."

Silence.

 _Breathe in…breathe out…breathe in…_

Amanda exhaled raggedly.

This was it. The great wave that had built up and hovered over her head finally crashed. Amanda could feel the pent up emotion bubbling to the surface once again, the shaking of her body the first sign of her second unravelling that day. She tilted her head back and looked up at the ceiling, the tears now running in a continuous stream out of the corners of her eyes and rolling into her ears, the vein on her forehead pulsing with every sob that bubbled up in her constricted throat.

"Ohhh…g-god," Amanda squeezed out with a croaky voice, and every breath she took was accompanied by a stabbing pain in her chest, making her feel like she was having a heart attack. Her face turned red and blotchy in distress and scrunched up when Olivia's words, along with others, replayed themselves in her head over and over again.

 _They found it in her fist…you fired the bullet…might have been tied up… goodbye, Amanda…_

Trapped in her daytime nightmare, Amanda raised her hands to her throat and started to scratch up and down furiously, leaving angry red marks on her delicate skin.  
Olivia immediately moved closer to her smaller woman and cupped her face with both hands to brush away Amanda's tears, effectively blocking the scratching hands with her forearms.

The brunette felt completely useless as she watched her colleague and friend crumble before her eyes and the need to soothe, to comfort, to heal became unbearably overwhelming. Her heart told her that tough love would not help Amanda right now. Olivia had tried to be strong and clear-headed for the younger woman; she had tried to explain, reason and argue with her, but she couldn't seem to reach her stubborn detective. Her endless compassion was all she had left. Acting on pure instinct, the older woman leaned in and brought their foreheads together.

"You're gonna be okay, Amanda, I promise. Shh, shh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Olivia's voice was soft and velvety and had that soothing lilt – in a corner of her mind, Amanda was vaguely aware that it was Olivia's victim voice, but she didn't care.

The smell of Olivia's perfume filled her nostrils, covering her hurting soul like a warm, fuzzy blanket. She wanted more of that, no, she _needed_ more of that. It took everything in her not to sling her arms around her boss's neck and cling to her like a frightened child.

"Talk to me, honey", the brunette whispered tenderly, using the pet name without a second thought. With their foreheads still connected, Olivia gently stroked the blonde's flushed cheeks, feeling her shuddering, hiccupped breath puffing in her face. "Tell me what I can do to help."

"Liv, I can't…breathe." The panic in Amanda's voice stabbed right through Olivia's heart.

"Sure you can. Everything is going to be okay, Amanda. Take a deep breath for me, nice and easy. Come on, sweetheart, you can do it", the brunette coaxed with infinite patience.

She could both hear and feel the violent tremble as the smaller woman sucked in half a lung full of air, before she abruptly pulled away and turned her head to the side to avoid coughing into Liv's face.

"Shhh, it's okay." Olivia winced in sympathy when she saw Amanda's wide, red-rimmed eyes and observed the other woman's struggle to catch her breath. "I'm so sorry you have to go through this."

When she laid a comforting hand on the blonde's quivering back, she could feel the younger woman tense up and squirm out of her reach despite still not being able to stop her coughing and wheezing. A blush was rapidly creeping up Amanda's neck and Olivia could tell that pure mortification over her emotional unravelling had begun to set in, coupled with the realization that she was sniffling and crying less than a foot away from her superior's face.

"I'm sorry, Liv, I think…I've got it…under control", the blonde detective gasped out and started to get up. "I'm just gonna go…freshen up a bit and I'll be back at my desk."

"Wait, please, Amanda, you don't have to leave. It's okay, there's nothing for you to be embarrassed about." Olivia reassured her, both surprise and concern lacing her voice, and grabbed the younger woman's arm before she could escape.

Amanda froze mid-move and threw her boss an uncertain look before her natural stubbornness started kicking its feet and she ripped her arm out of Olivia's grasp.

"I'm fine, Liv. I'm sorry for goin' off on you. It won't happen again," she responded, trying to sound unfazed although her breathing had not yet returned to normal and her face still bore the evidence of her crying.

"I'm not mad at you. I want you to talk to me."

"I _am_ talking to you, lieutenant."

"You know what I mean", Liv said, her eyebrow jumping dangerously high.

Amanda remained silent and planted a blank look of indifference on her face, but the trembling of her hands betrayed her and hinted at the storm of emotions still coursing through her body.

Olivia took a step closer, only to watch her detective shrink back from her in return. This was going to be even harder than she had initially thought. She tilted her head to the side, her bangs falling into her face, and fixed Amanda with a soft look in her eyes, determined to get to the bottom of what was going on.

"Why is it so hard for you to accept some help, Amanda?" she asked gently.

"I don't need your help or anyone else's. I'm fine dealing with things on my own. Besides, I'm not one of your victims, Olivia, so save your sympathy for someone who _really_ deserves it.", the young detective responded briskly, avoiding the brunette's gaze.

"Why do you think _you_ don't deserve sympathy?" the older woman asked patiently, unfazed by Amanda's hostile tone and ignoring the rest of her remarks.

"JESUS, Liv, can you please stop acting like a goddamn shrink and just let it go?" Amanda threw her hands up in frustration, a scowl now etched on her face.

"No."

The simple response stunned her for a second before she rolled her eyes in annoyance, followed by a mocking snort.

"Do I need to start looking for a new job, lieutenant?"

Olivia released a heavy sigh.

"What you need to do is _stop running_ from your problems, Amanda. And more importantly, stop running from the people who want to help you deal with them."

"Well, thanks for your concern, but running has always worked out just fine for me." Amanda snapped back indignantly.

"Has it, though?" Olivia whispered emphatically. The taller woman moved even closer and this time, the blonde stayed put and lifted her huge, round eyes to meet Olivia's searching gaze, suddenly too tired to keep fighting the compassion her heart so deeply longed for.

"You tried to run from your family, and still ended up with a cleared out apartment and a mother who abandoned you and your daughter. You tried to run from Patton and still have to deal with the nightmares and the guilt over Reese, almost 8 years later. And now you're trying to run from this, too, from Esther and the pain you're feeling inside…" She placed her hand flatly on Amanda's chest and could feel the rapid beating of her heart against her palm. "…and if you don't talk about this now, you'll never be able to let go of that pain for the rest of your life. Believe me…I know it."

Olivia's voice was breaking slightly at the end, a memory of her final confrontation with William Lewis briefly flashing before her inner eye before she could fight it.

Tears were shimmering in Amanda's eyes again, but this time there was no fury, no indifference and no annoyance visible, only concern, as she reached out to lightly stroke the older woman's cheek with her knuckles. "I'm sorry I made you think of him," she whispered sincerely.

The brunette closed her eyes briefly to hide the vulnerability in them and Amanda could see a myriad of emotions swirling in the depth of her brown orbs when she finally opened them back up. "It's not your fault." Olivia's face wore a pained half-smile and there was a piercing intensity in her expression; Amanda wasn't entirely sure if she was referring to her apology or to Esther's death.

The younger woman withdrew her hand and placed it over the one Olivia still held over her heart, giving it a gentle squeeze.

Olivia's eyelids fluttered und the creases around her eyes deepened when she gave her a broad smile.

"I…ehm…" Amanda cleared her throat and looked to the floor. "I'm not so good at talking about…that kind of stuff."

"You don't say."

There was no hostility in Olivia's voice, only a hint of dry humor and playful teasing.

Amanda rolled her eyes at her lieutenant again, but this time it was accompanied by a tiny, self-deprecated smirk that tugged on the corner of her mouth.

"You need to talk to someone. A therapist or just someone you-", the older woman paused for a moment, "…someone you trust. It's important, Amanda." Her tone was fierce and serious again, as Olivia echoed what she had said to her young subordinate three years earlier, when she'd tried to convince Amanda to see Dr. Lindstrom after what went down with Patton.

"Yeah, I know that" the stubborn detective shot back a little too forcefully. She felt emotionally raw and exposed, in front of her superior officer no less, and she didn't like it one bit. Still, a part of her knew that even if she did manage to deal with the events of this day without resorting back to her many unhealthy coping mechanisms, there was no way Olivia was going let it go this time.

Amanda let out a frustrated sigh and when she continued, her voice was more even, but with a hint of anxiety in it. "I can't promise you anything except that I'm going to try…for real this time."

"That's all I ask."

"But please, no more talking tonight. I…I can't handle any more of this right now." Amanda slumped back down into her chair and rubbed her red eyes with the back of her hand.

The seasoned lieutenant looked at the blonde; at her puffy face, her smudged make-up and tousled hair, and at the complete exhaustion and sadness in her eyes and nodded in agreement.

"Okay."

Olivia decided it would be best to give Amanda some space and turned toward her desk to grab a tissue for her when she felt cold fingers close around her wrist, holding her in place, and then, timidly, tugging at her hand.

Olivia turned around and looked at her detective, then at the hand that held onto her with a surprisingly strong grip. When it was clear to her that the smaller woman wasn't going to say anything, Olivia cocked her head to the side. "Would you like me to just…stay with you for a while?"

Amanda bit her lip and shrugged her shoulders non-committally, but her light blue eyes bored into Olivia's brown ones with a vulnerable look.

The brunette decided to go with her gut and cautiously inched closer to the blonde, unsure whether she could touch her again, but preparing for another wave of tears or, more likely, another mood swing. She was stunned when instead, the smaller woman leaned forward and gingerly rested her head against Olivia's jean-clad hip bone, her eyes closed and a sigh leaving her lips.

Olivia froze for a second before she very slowly lifted her hand and placed it on the back of Amanda's head, just letting it rest there for a moment before starting to stroke through her tangled blonde hair with the gentlest touch, smoothing it down a little in the process.

The older woman let out a surprised squeak when two slender arms suddenly snaked their way around her waist and a blonde head pressed itself into her middle, face hiding away in shame. Olivia's heart skipped a beat and then continued pounding at what felt like twice the normal speed. It was not unusual for Olivia to offer a comforting hug to one of their victims every now and then, but she hadn't actually hugged anyone close to her – other than her son – in quite a long time.

She felt two small hands twist the material of her blazer when Amanda tightened her grip on her back, the body in her arms trembling once again.

"I wanted to help h-her. I wanted to help her _so badly_." Amanda's muffled voice broke at the end and was followed by a heartbreaking sob.

Olivia could feel the wetness of old and fresh tears seeping into the fabric of her gray t-shirt and she closed her arms around the smaller woman, one hand rubbing slow circles into Amanda's back, the other one affectionately cradling her head against her stomach.

"I know, honey" Olivia's cooed softly and scratched her nails over the blonde's scalp in a soothing manner. "I know you did." She started to rock her gently, the same way she would rock Noah after a bad dream.

Amanda took in a deep breath, inhaling the sweet scent of Olivia's perfume, and she instantly felt calmer. The darkness still lingered on the edge of her mind, ready to swamp her brain and cloud her thoughts at any moment, but for now, she was safe and secure in Olivia's embrace, and the younger woman tried to push away her embarrassment as she soaked up the affection the brunette so generously offered to her. They remained in that position for a long time, Olivia continuing with her gentle ministrations while Amanda's tears slowly ebbed away and she was close to falling asleep.

A sharp rap on Olivia's office door made both women jump and Amanda hastily withdrew from her boss's arms, missing the contact immediately.

"Lieu? We just got a new case. Do you want me and Fin to-"

"I'll be right out!" Olivia shouted back with noticeable irritation, her gaze still on her detective, who now clumsily tried to make herself busy by fixing her rumpled clothes and messy hair. She watched in awkward silence, contemplating if she should offer to make another appointment for Amanda with Dr. Lindstrom, or if that would not sit well with the younger woman, remembering vividly how wrong it went the last time.

As she hovered over her desk weighing her options, it didn't escape her notice that the other woman's face was flushed and that she kept her gaze averted. Olivia approached Amanda with measured steps and placed a hand on her shoulder, only to feel the blonde shrugging it off instantly.

"Amanda, are you okay? Are we…okay?" she asked cautiously. Had she made Amanda uncomfortable with her touch? Had she misinterpreted Amanda's signals to be comforted? Olivia's heart told her no, but looking at Amanda now, she just wasn't sure anymore.

"Yeah, of course, lieutenant, we're good."

"Then why can't you look at me?" The brunette couldn't completely banish the pinch of hurt from her voice.

Amanda swept her hair up into a neat ponytail, fixing a framed photograph of Noah behind Olivia's desk as she spoke.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Okay," Olivia scoffed, her patience and will to tolerate Amanda's endless argumentativeness finally running thin, "I know you've had a tough day and I'm trying to be understanding, Amanda, but you're making it really hard for me right now. You're all over the place and quite frankly, your moods are giving me whiplash."

Amanda felt a sting in her chest at her lieutenant's words and could feel the emotional gap between them widen again, like a dried-up river bed that kept filling with water until there was a river strong enough to rip you off your feet if you were stupid enough to go in too deep.

They had been so close just a minute ago, but because of her pride and because of _who she was_ , Amanda had pushed Olivia away once again. Now her only choice was to pull back into her protective shell and deal with everything on her own, just like she always had. But something was different now. The blonde didn't know what exactly it was, but something had shifted inside of her. She did not want to do this alone. She wanted someone to lean on. And she knew exactly who that someone was.

Amanda briefly thought about apologizing to Olivia for her stand-offishness, but she couldn't seem to get the words out. Instead, she straightened up and wiped the last traces of tears from her face, forcing herself to look at her boss with all of her remaining dignity.

"What happens next?"

Olivia's voice was matter-of-factly and she didn't look at Amanda when she spoke.

"You're gonna talk to the force investigative group and you're gonna talk to IAB. You'll be on mandatory leave for a couple of days until they've closed their investigation and you've been cleared for duty by the department psychiatrist."

Amanda nodded. She watched Olivia grab her glasses and purse and she knew that if she wanted to say something, it had to be now.

"Liv, I…" She watched as Olivia lift her head and tried to get a read on the other woman, but Olivia, too, knew how to put up walls and her brown eyes, usually open and understanding, were hard and unyielding. Her courage left her.

"I should get home to Jesse."

The blonde thought she'd seen a flash of disappointment in Olivia's eyes but it was gone within the fraction of a second.

"I'll see you tomorrow." And with that, the brunette grabbed her coat and was out of the door.

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 **I know, I know, but fret not, for there are two more chapters coming.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hi all, thank you for the nice reviews! I thought about splitting this chapter in two, but I didn't really feel like it, so there you go! :) There's a little time jump between chapter 2 and 3 and you'll see why in a minute. Happy reading!**

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One week had passed since Amanda's breakdown in her lieutenant's office and, just like Olivia had predicted, the blonde detective was already back at her desk and cleared for duty. IAB had declared Esther Labott's death an accident and closed the case shortly after interviewing Amanda as well as Olivia and Captain Sasso from ESU, who had both confirmed her version of events.

Amanda had also attended the mandatory session with the department psychiatrist and said all the right things that would send her straight back to her desk. This was not her first rodeo and Amanda was no fool – keeping secrets was second nature to her, so it had been quite easy for her to figure out what to say and when to omit the truth. She knew that if she had been honest about her current mental state, she would probably be on paid leave right now.

The blonde detective had not been able to get more than two or three hours of sleep per night all week, frequently tortured by the horrific images her mind cooked up for her, equal parts her own painful memories and colorful nightmares that had an ever-changing cast of protagonists whose lives she failed to save.

In one of her most recurring dreams, Amanda was back at Esther's house, following Rachel Labott's desperate cries for her mom, but when she turned the corner it was Jesse who was chained to the radiator, not the little brown-haired girl.

One particularly horrible night, she had to watch Esther being held down and choked by her own personal demon, Charles Patton, with Reese standing next her, who watched silently as the struggling girl took her last breath, before turning to Amanda with a disgusted look on her face.

 _Another good girl biting the dust because of you, Amanda.  
_  
When the blonde woke up in a cold sweat, she immediately rushed to the bathroom and threw up, her tears and snot mixing together as she hung over the toilet bowl in a shivering heap.

Tonight, Amanda was racing through the Labott residence looking for Esther once again, her gun drawn and held out in front of her, when a cracking noise behind her made her turn around and empty her clip without a second's pause, only to find in horror that she had shot Olivia, who promptly sunk to the floor, eyes wide in surprise at the betrayal by her own detective.

Amanda shot up in bed, her heart beating furiously inside her chest, sweat rolling down her temple. She looked down at her hands, expecting to see them covered in Liv's blood, and a relieved sob escaped her tight throat when she realized that it had just been a dream.

When she turned up for work a few hours later, Amanda's blue orbs were bloodshot and the bags under her eyes spoke volumes about how bad her mood was going to be on this rainy Saturday morning. She slid into her chair with a small groan and dragged her hands over her tired features.

"Short night?" Fin inquired with a smirk and placed a cup of coffee on her desk.

"Jesse." Amanda grumbled, the lie rolling off her tongue easily. "Is Liv already in?"

"Yeah, she caught a case last night and got an early start."

"Great."

She glanced over at her superior's office and was glad to see the door closed and the shades drawn. She had tried to avoid her boss as much as she could for the past few days, unsure about where they stood after the less-than-grand end of their conversation a week earlier.

Unfortunately for her, the older woman seemed intent on making sure Amanda kept her promise to talk to someone about her feelings. The blonde could tell that Olivia tried to be subtle about it, but Amanda could feel her determination in the way the brunette's eyes constantly followed her around at the precinct, burning a hole into her back with the intensity of her stare.

The day after the shooting, Amanda had found Dr. Lindstrom's business card in the top drawer of her desk, right next to the handful of crumbly dog treats she kept there for Frannie. She'd felt slightly paranoid as she took a quick glance around the squad room and then tucked the card under a pile of files in her drawer, unsure what she wanted to do with it.

The truth was that in the long, lonely hours between her nightmares Amanda often found herself thinking about the brunette's gentle hand on her cheek, wishing Liv was there with her, holding her the same way she did after telling her the news about Esther's death.  
At the same time, the young woman felt deeply ashamed for so pathetically clinging to her lieutenant in the first place, hating that she still longed for the comfort of her arms.

Amanda was not used to feeling this emotional and vulnerable and she wondered, with a knot in her stomach, if this was all her lieutenant now saw when she looked at her – someone who was unstable and weak, someone who could not control her emotions, or, even worse: someone who she could not trust to have her back in the field.

She shuddered at the thought, which did not go unnoticed by her partner, who furrowed his eyebrows in suspicion.

"Were you out last night?"

"Out?" Amanda muttered distractedly, still deep in her thoughts while rubbing her temples in circles to fight an oncoming headache.

"Be honest with me, Manda, cause if you need me to drag you to a meeting, I'll do it right now, no questions asked."

"GOD no, Fin…I'm not gambling again. Jeez."

 _Not yet anyway._

"Good. Let's keep it that way." He nudged her playfully and retreated to his own desk. Amanda rolled her eyes at him but couldn't stop herself from smiling at her partner's unwavering support. In the seven years they've been partners Fin has always had her back, especially when it came to protecting her from herself. _You really don't deserve him, Rollins._

With the corner of her mouth still lifted up and a warm feeling in the pit of her stomach, Amanda turned around just in time to see Olivia walking out of her office and towards her desk.

"Amanda." She greeted her with a nod and Amanda mumbled her hello, trying to get a read on her boss's mood this morning. The brunette looked as flawless as she always did, her white blazer a perfect match to the flowy grey blouse and black skinny jeans she sported on most days. Her black-rimmed glasses were perched on her nose and Amanda could feel the brown eyes behind them lingering on her tired features.

The blonde sunk down a little in her chair, feeling as if she was under a microscope, her many flaws enlarged and put on display for everyone to see. She thought she saw a flash of concern wash over the older woman's face, but then she blinked and Olivia had already turned away to talk to her partner.

"Fin, would you mind checking in with the main eye witness in the Angela Diaz case? The trial starts this afternoon and I want to make sure there are no surprises when she takes the stand."

"No problem, Liv." He grabbed his jacket. "See you guys later." He glanced back and forth between the two women and sighed quietly before walking out of the squad room with long, confident strides.

"You look tired." There was no question in Olivia's voice as she turned her head to look at her young detective.

"Gee, thanks, Liv. You really know how-"

"Are you sleeping okay?" Olivia interrupted without as much as a blink.

 _Wow, I guess there will be no foreplay today._

"They're not called the 'terrible twos' for nothing, eh?" Amanda leaned back in her chair with a shrug and smiled in an attempt to disguise her discomfort. She could not fool the older woman, who let out a small sigh.

"Look, Amanda, there is no wrong answer here, if that's what you're worried about; you're not on trial. And I know you don't like to talk about your personal life, I get it. It's just that after last week's case…I have to say I'm a little worried. And just so you know, I'm asking as a friend, not as your lieutenant."

 _Friend._ The blonde detective gulped and the fake smile dropped from her face. She briefly contemplated whether she should be honest with Olivia at the risk of embarrassing herself further or if she should just stick to the story of the struggling single mom. After a moment of hesitation, she decided to give Olivia part of the truth.

"It's been…tough. But I'll be okay."

"Have you talked to-"

"I'm workin' on it." The blonde cut her off immediately and tried to sound enthusiastic, although the mere thought of talking to a shrink about her nightmares terrified her to no end. She needed a change in topic, pronto.

"Fin said we have a new case?" she asked, trying to sound calm and professional.

The brunette reluctantly decided to let Amanda off the hook for now and nodded her head.

"Yes, a 34-year-old woman was attacked in her apartment building last night. Perp pushed her into a supply closet and tried to rape her. Luckily, she was not as intoxicated as he'd thought and could fight him off before he reached his goal. I went to Mercy last night to talk to her and she gave me a description of her attacker. Carisi's at the scene checking the security footage and I'm gonna talk to the people she was out with last night, see if they noticed anyone lurking around."

"Is that her statement?" Amanda nodded at the file in Olivia's hands.

"No…" the older woman suddenly became fidgety. "Actually this is something else I wanted to talk to you about."

Amanda could feel the dread from earlier creeping back up her spine. _More talking. Fantastic._

"I have Esther's file, if you want it." Olivia slid the folder over to her and Amanda stared at it like it was a poisonous snake in her path. "Everything we know about her life and death is in there. I thought you might want to-" She looked up at the grimace that was Amanda's face and stopped abruptly, a hint of doubt visible in her voice when she continued. "Maybe this was a mistake." She reached for the file, but Amanda's hand shot out from under her desk and pinned both Olivia's hand and the file down.

"No, wait. I…I want to read it. I have to. I owe her that." Amanda mumbled and retracted her hand with a slight pink blush on her cheeks. She'd thought Olivia would go back to her office but the brunette stayed where she was, her expression half-expectant, half-concerned.

"I'll read it…later." Amanda hurriedly grabbed the file to stick it into her drawer but it slipped from her fumbling fingers and loose sheets of paper scattered all across the floor.

"GODDAMMIT!" The frustrated scream raised a few eyebrows and questioning looks around the squad room and the blonde glared at everyone in sight. "What are y'all looking at, huh? Don't you have something to do?"

She dropped down to her knees and started picking up the forms, reports and photographs to put them back in the folder, well-aware that Olivia had bent down as well to help her clean up the mess.

"It's okay, Amanda-"

"I'm FINE."

The blonde detective reached out for a page that had skidded several feet away from her desk and when she turned it over, she stopped in her tracks. It was a headshot of Esther from the autopsy report.  
The girl was even paler in death than she had been when she was alive, her skin grayish and sickly-looking against the silver autopsy table she laid on. Her hair was brushed back from her face and despite it all, Amanda could see how truly beautiful she'd been – high cheekbones, long eyelashes and smooth skin that did nothing to reveal her actual age. It was the face of a child; young and innocent and-

"Amanda?"

Her boss's voice finally took her out of her trance. She looked up in a daze and met worried brown eyes that rested on her with a questioning look.

Amanda looked down at her hand and realized that she'd absentmindedly brushed her fingertips over the dead girl's sunken cheek. She flinched back as if she got burned and internally cursed herself for behaving like a crazy person in front of her lieutenant.

Before Olivia could say another word, the blonde gathered up the last sheets of paper, dumped them in a disorganized pile into her drawer and slammed it shut.

"Coffee?"

"Sorry- what?" Olivia looked at her in utter confusion, eyebrows drawn together.

"I'm getting coffee from the cart outside. You want some?" Amanda spoke slowly and clearly, planting a distinctly polite smile on her face.

"No, thanks, I ehm…" Olivia looked round the office before stepping closer to her younger detective, ducking her head and lowering her voice slightly. "Amanda, do you want to step into my office and…talk for a minute?"

"I'm fine, Lieutenant, but I really need a huge dose of caffeine…Jesse kept me up all night. You know how it is." Amanda announced with a fake laugh and, avoiding Olivia's gaze, slipped out of the squad room, turned a corner and released the breath she didn't realize she was holding, before heading towards the stairwell.

As she raced down, the heels of her work boots drumming against the steps in a steady rhythm, she kept repeating her mantra in her head, over and over again; _I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine._

Olivia looked after the blonde detective, her fingertips grazing her lips and her heart heavy with worry.

 **-One week later-**

A gentle breeze brushed through Amanda Rollins' hair as she walked down the stony path, hands shoved deep into her pockets and shoulders hunched up to her ears. The gravel crunched under her boots and it was this sound that she focused on as she set one heavy step in front of the other, jaw clenched and her lips in a thin line.

The man she followed took a turn to the left and led her through two rows of old and withered gravestones. Amanda stepped onto the neatly trimmed grass and immediately missed the sound of her boots grinding small stones into smaller stones, and she wished there was something to drown out the thoughts screaming at her in her head.

They kept walking in silence, the space around them becoming less and less crowded with graves, but also less cared for. The blonde woman looked at the field of dead grass surrounding her and found herself wondering how much farther they'd have to walk when her guide came to a sudden stop next to a messily dug out hole in the ground.

"So this is it?" Amanda was not impressed.

"I'm afraid this is all we can do for the poor souls who are brought to us without as much as a penny to their name…" The priest shifted uncomfortably on his feet, clearly not happy to be stared down by a pair of piercing blue eyes.

 _Well, that's what happens when half of your family is in jail awaiting trial, and the other half is shipped off to some aunt in Ohio._

"I suppose we get on with it…?" the older man stammered awkwardly.

Amanda didn't dignify that with an answer and instead turned her head to look for the pall-bearers, but there was no one here but them.

"Where…where is she?"

Her throat closed up as the image of Esther's small body lying in a coffin invaded her mind, and she chastised herself in the same moment. _Keep it together, Rollins. It's not going to be an open casket._

She almost missed the mumbled response about a "mix-up at the funeral home" and a deep angry line formed on her forehead.

"Wait…are you telling me that you _mixed up_ the bodies you've been entrusted to bury? What in the fresh hell…?

Amanda could feel the blood starting to boil underneath her skin and she dug her nails into her palms to keep herself from doing something stupid. She had been thin-skinned and on edge the whole morning, avoided talking to anyone at work and dismissed any questions about her well-being with a curt "I'm fine" and a scowl on her face.

The thought of Esther's lifeless body being passed back and forth between strangers, unable to find peace even in death, tapped into a pool of suppressed rage and slowly chipped away at her carefully sculpted mask of control.

A blush started to creep up from under the priest's collar and turned his neck a deep crimson. He gasped in shock at her words and fumbled with the wide sleeve of his robe, simultaneously embarrassed and offended.

"My dear child, I don't know how things are done down South, but in my congregation, you show respect in the presence of the Lord and-"

"Is he?" Amanda snapped bitterly, her eyes burning with anger and her fingers flexing inside her pockets. "Is he present? Here?" She let out a snort of disgust, raising both her arms in a wide gesture. She was about to open her mouth again when she spotted two men in green overalls pulling a cart with a simple, wooden casket towards them.  
The sharp comment on the tip of her tongue died and so did the fire in her veins as she looked at the slowly approaching procession with a dull aching in her chest.

The priest let out a relieved sigh and dabbed at the pearls of sweat that had popped up on his forehead, obviously eager to get the ceremony over with and escaping the blonde's wrath.

The closer the sound of the cart's squeaky wheels got, the more Amanda's hands started to sweat. _Maybe I shouldn't have come._

They came to a halt next to the deep hole in the ground and briefly conversed with the priest.

"Are you sure it's her?" Amanda couldn't keep the slight shaking from her voice and she hated herself for it, but she had to be sure.

One of the men looked down at his clipboard. "Esther Labott, aged 27, fatally shot by a police officer during a hostage crisis on April 21st." He looked up at her and his eyes were glassy and free of any emotion. "Does that sound right?"

Tears instantly welled up in Amanda's eyes and she fought to force them back, nodding quickly and averting her gaze. _Stop it. Stop it. STOP it._

The two cemetery workers stepped back respectfully and folded their hands behind their backs.

The priest promptly started to monologue about how God was welcoming his beloved child in heaven, but Amanda tuned out as soon as he opened his mouth, his voice nothing more than a buzzing sound on the edge of her consciousness, her mind deciding to take her back to _that_ day; the day Esther had died.

Amanda knew there were at least thirty loaded gun barrels in her back, pointing at William Labott as he stood on his front porch, his frightened daughter shivering beside him. She knew that her lieutenant was only a few feet behind her, staring a hole into her bulletproof vest. She knew that the odds of survival were not in their favor when it came to hostage situations involving religious cults. She knew there were at least five other young children in the house they had to worry about. She knew all that and still, the only thing she found herself thinking while she tried to talk Labott into giving up was this: _Please, let her survive. Let Esther live. I need her to be okay. Please, Lord, if you must take one of them…keep her safe._

Later Amanda had concluded that this must make her a horrible person, but she couldn't change how she felt, even if she wanted to. And she was aware that if she could go back to that day, she'd still feel the same way.

Amanda briefly wondered if this new, constant pain in her chest was her punishment for being a bad human being, only to then feel deeply ashamed of herself for wallowing in self-pity while the real victim had her life ripped away by Amanda's own hand.

"Miss?"

The blonde's head snapped up and she looked at the priest in bewilderment.

"What did you say?"

"I asked if you would like to say something."

She stared at the plain casket, swallowed the lump in her throat and shook her head once.

The priest motioned for the two men to come over and when they grabbed the ropes to lower the box into the ground, Amanda felt a rush of anxiety bubbling to the surface that she couldn't hold in any longer.

"WAIT!"

Three pairs of eyes looked at her in surprise.

"I- I need to say goodbye." She squeaked, despair lining her thin voice, and the men let go of the ropes, resuming their previous position behind the priest.

Amanda took a hesitant step towards the casket and felt her legs wobble beneath her. She took another step, praying to God that she was not going to collapse in front of these strangers. She could feel their eyes on her, probably sizing her up, or maybe they were just annoyed that she held them up with her tiny kitten steps. The blonde detective measured the distance between herself and the casket. _Five more steps, maybe six…just put your damn foot in front of the other, Amanda Rollins._

Amanda could smell her before she even saw her; the calming sweetness of her moonflower-based perfume with just a hint of vanilla; the scent that accompanied her wherever she went and now…she was here.

Out of the corner of her tear-filled eye she saw Olivia step up next to her, gently brushing her blazer-clad arm against hers, and Amanda felt a shiver run down her back. Before she could get any words past her clogged up throat, the trembling woman felt a warm hand on her elbow, and she felt herself moving forward without difficulty. When they came to a halt in front of Esther's casket, the taller woman let go of Amanda's elbow but remained close enough for her to feel the heat radiating from her body.

Amanda's heart was hammering in her chest as she lowered her quivering hand onto the large box in front of her. She didn't know what to say. Frustrated tears finally spilled over and she angrily brushed them away with the back of her hand.

"Hey."

Olivia slipped her larger hand into hers and gave it a reassuring squeeze. On any other day Amanda would have felt mortified and embarrassed to the bone for showing so much vulnerability in front of her boss, _again_ ,but to her own surprise, she found she didn't care. She needed someone to comfort her, and she wanted it to be Liv.

"I don't know…what to say," Amanda admitted with a pain-filled voice and looked up at the brunette, who stood by her side tall and strong and unwavering like a giant rock in the sea.

Olivia turned slightly toward her, compassionate brown eyes meeting desperate blue ones.

"Just tell her how you feel."

Amanda threw a quick glance over to the three men curiously observing her and Olivia tugged at their entwined hands, directing the blonde's attention back to her.

"Forget about them. It's just you and me."

The smaller woman flashed her a tortured smile.

"Honey, you don't have to be embarrassed in front of me. Ever."

Amanda bit her lip and nodded. Her gaze fell back on the wooden casket and she opened her mouth, just to close it again. She tried once more, clearing her throat and trying to summon Esther before her inner eye – alive and breathing, not dead on the floor with blood seeping from the bullet wound in her skull.

A violent shudder passed through her body and she knew that Olivia had felt it, too, when a thumb brushed soothingly over her knuckles.

"Close your eyes, Amanda." Olivia's voice was a hushed whisper and the smaller woman complied without hesitation, silent tears seeping out from under her eyelids. "Just tell her."

A deep breath.

A heartbeat.

And then the dam broke.

"I'm- I'm sorry. I'm _so_ sorry that I couldn't- couldn't s-save you…I…" Amanda tried to stifle her sobs with her free hand but she was not very successful.

She felt her other hand being raised slowly and then touched by a soft pair of lips.

"You're doing great, honey, keep going."

"I sh-should n-never have let you get back into that h-house." Shame weighed down on her like a water-soaked blanket and her shoulders dropped as if there was an actual weight dragging her down.

"I was supposed to protect you, but I didn't – I failed you and I- _I'm SO sorry_ …" she choked on her words, leaning forward to caress the top of the casket with a gentle touch, tears splashing down on the wooden material and painting small, dark circles on its surface.

"I will never be able to forgive myself for that."

Amanda took in a deep breath and released it with a long, shuddery sigh. There, she had said it.

"I believe she would."

"Huh?" Amanda tilted her tear-stained face up towards the brunette.

"I didn't get to know Esther as well as you did, but from what I saw and heard…I'd say that she would forgive you. I think she kind of already did."

The blonde frowned in confusion.

"The note she wrote you…it said 'thank you', remember?"

"But that was before…" Amanda bit her lip.

"I think she knew what was going to happen; not what exactly, obviously, but I believe she knew she wouldn't make it out of that house alive. And the one thing – the one thing she wanted to do before her life ended – was thanking _you_. Because _you saw her_ when no one else did."

Olivia's eyes glistened with tears, but she was smiling. Again, she raised their joint fingers to her lips, planting a tender kiss on the back of Amanda's hand, this time locking eyes with her.

"You've allowed yourself to feel the pain..." With her free hand, Olivia wiped away the half-dried tears on the younger woman's cheeks.

"…you asked for forgiveness…" She laid her hand next to Amanda's on the coffin.

"…now you need to forgive yourself, Amanda. And then…

"Then what?" the smaller woman asked, her voice scratchy.

"…then you let her go." Olivia finished, her head tilted to the side, and her warm, kind eyes looked directly into Amanda's soul.


	4. Chapter 4

**Here we are. This will be the final chapter of Learn To Let Go. Thank you to everyone who favorited this story or took the time to write a review - it means a lot! A special shout-out goes to my friend sheepish for her sweet words of encouragement. :) I hope you like this chapter. Happy reading!**

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The two women watched in silence as the casket was lowered into the ground, their shoulders touching and the tips of their fingers dangling next to each other. Amanda could feel the regular rise and fall of the brunette's chest beside her and it filled her with a sense of calm.  
A warm breeze blew brown and blonde hair alike back from their faces and Amanda took in a deep breath, feeling like a weight has been lifted from her shoulders.

"You ready to go?" There was not a hint of pressure in Olivia's tone when she addressed the smaller woman, only patience and empathy. Amanda turned her head towards the bright blue sky. _Rest easy now, Esther._ Then she nodded.

They started walking back in the direction of the parking lot, both enjoying the peaceful quiet around them. Neither of them was in a rush to get back to the precinct, so their strides were long and slow.

"So…" Amanda was reluctant to break the silence, but she needed to know. "How did you know I'd come here?"

"Call it a hunch." A knowing smile graced the brunette's lips.

"Does anybody else…" Amanda broke off, a bout of insecurity washing over her face, and she chewed on her bottom lip anxiously.

"I didn't tell anyone, but I asked Fin to drop me off here, so I guess he put two and two together."

The blonde snorted and nodded her head lightly. Of course Fin knew.

They walked past a small, slightly mossy bench and Amanda could feel herself slowing down, not quite ready to leave yet. She wanted to stay here, between green hills and colorful flower beds and old couples who were buried next to each other, just for a little while longer. She wanted to stay in this limbo where she was just Amanda, not the detective who'd shot an innocent woman, and Olivia was not Lieutenant Benson, but the woman who'd so tenderly kissed her hand.

Without missing a beat, the older woman took her hint and sat down on one end of the bench, crossed her legs and inclined her closed eyes up towards the sun.

"Don't we have to get back?" Amanda asked hesitantly.

"Not yet."

The blonde detective joined the older woman on the bench, leaving about a foot's length of space between them. She took in her boss's still features and her long, brown tresses shimmering in the sunlight. She let her eyes wander across smooth, tan skin and decided that she'd rarely seen her lieutenant look this relaxed outside of her own home. She was slightly startled when Olivia suddenly popped one eye open as if she had felt the burning gaze through her eyelids.

"What are you staring at, Rollins? Do I have something on my face?" Her tone was light and teasing and it was a nice change from the usually strained voice the detective was so used to hearing at the precinct.

"What? No, I was just thinking."

"'Bout what?"

Amanda turned her gaze away from the other woman and let it wander across the field of graves in front of her. She chose to ignore the question, fully aware that she was being rude, but her feelings towards the other woman were already a huge, confusing mess, and she didn't feel like sorting through them right this moment.

Instead, her eyes started following the priest from earlier as he made his way back up to the main building that belonged to the cemetery. Olivia followed her eyeline and the corner of her mouth quirked up slightly.

"For a minute there I thought you were going to strangle that poor guy with his own _stola_."

"He was kind of a moron." the blonde detective grunted through gritted teeth, her temper flaring up again as she remembered his patronizing tone when he'd spoken to her.

Then, without warning, her thoughts wandered back to Esther in her casket and her shoulders slumped a little, eyes sagging with sadness. Olivia picked up on the subtle change in her posture instantly and sat up a little taller next to her.

"Are you feeling any better now?" She was aware they were not talking about the priest anymore and her voice got its soft lilt back.

Amanda hunched up her shoulders and shrugged non-committally. Olivia waited patiently until the younger woman had collected her thoughts.

"I honestly don't know, Liv. I felt… _relieved_ just a minute ago but now…"

The blonde scoffed and her lips curled up in frustration. Olivia wrapped her hand around Amanda's forearm, hoping to afford some consolation through her touch.

"It's completely normal to experience highs and lows, especially when everything is still so fresh. Grief tends to come-"

"I swear to god, Olivia, if you're about to say 'grief tends to come in five stages' I'm gonna lose it. I don't believe in that crap. It's just an excuse for people to wallow in their own misery instead of trying to move on with their lives."

Amanda's tone was heated and Olivia cocked one brow, her detective's sudden harshness taking her by surprise. She caught the provocative gleam in the blonde's eyes as well as the brief flash of insecurity and she could feel in her bones that there was more to this than the younger woman let on.

"Wow." she let out a snort before she forced down a sarcastic retort, reminding herself that the blonde was still vulnerable and in emotional pain.

"Actually, I was going to say that grief tends to come in waves and that no one expects you to just shake this off and put Esther's death behind you after a week or two."

Olivia could see shame wash over her young detective's face and she stroked her thumb over the soft skin of Amanda's arm to let her know that she was not angry with her.

"Sorry."

"It's okay. I should make you read up on the Kübler-Ross-model though…it's quite enlightening." There was a dry note in Olivia's tone, but the smile on her face was sincere. However, one look at Amanda's face told her that the blonde's thoughts had already strayed in another direction and Olivia jostled her arm lightly to get her attention back.

"Care to share?" she asked, her voice just as soft as before.

"I feel like such a crybaby." Amanda admitted with strain in her voice, eyes staring into the distance.

"You're not."

The blonde turned her head towards Olivia and her blue orbs were filled with sadness once again.

"I guess it just hit me hard when I saw her casket, you know? I looked at that…wooden box they'd stuffed her into and all I could think about was that…injured baby bird I once found on the ground when I was little. I carried it home in my hands and showed it to my mom and she said 'For Chrissake, Amanda! Get that filthy thing outta my house!'" Amanda paused at the memory and huffed with contempt before she continued.

"So I went to my room and wrapped it in a towel and put it in an empty shoe box. I tried to feed it with worms from our yard. I talked to it all night. And I prayed to God and asked him to heal my new friend." A pained expression rose on her face. "When I woke up the next morning it had died. I took the box outside and buried it and marked the ground with a smooth white stone."

When she looked up into Olivia's huge, glassy eyes, there was a dull pain in the depth of her blue orbs that words couldn't describe.

"In the end, how was Esther any different than that? Just a tiny little bird in a shoe box, dying in my hands."

Olivia quickly caught the tear that had broken free during Amanda's little speech and tried to swallow past the giant lump that seemed to have taken permanent residence in her throat.

"You know…perhaps it's not so much about the 'when' and 'how' of our demise and more about who we're with before we go."

"What difference does it make?" Amanda sounded defeated and so very tired.

"It makes all the difference, Amanda." Olivia tilted her head and the conviction in her voice and warmth in her eyes slowly started to melt the icy grip of grief around the blonde's heart.  
"The impact of a life is not measured in the numbers of years you've lived or the monuments you leave behind; it is measured in the way you've touched other people's lives and made them feel heard and seen; made them feel valuable."

"You really believe that?"

"I do, with all my heart." Olivia replied emphatically and placed her hand on her own chest.

They sat in comfortable silence after that, each woman lost in her own thoughts for a while.

"Can I ask you something personal, Liv?" Amanda eventually probed carefully.

Olivia let out a tiny laugh that made Amanda's skin prickle. "After all the things you let me witness today I guess I owe you one, don't I?"

The blonde could feel the heat rising in her cheeks and Olivia quickly raised a pacifying hand, her tone warm when she spoke.

"Hey, I meant that as a compliment, honey. You took a huge step today and I'm very proud of you."

Amanda didn't know how to feel about that, but she chose to delay that internal battle with herself and focus on what she had meant to ask, now that Liv had given her permission.

"After Lewis…how long did it take until you felt…like you were going to be _okay_ again?" Amanda watched closely for any sign of distress on Olivia's face, but the brunette's features were smooth and her voice was calm and collected when she answered. Obviously she'd been expecting something like this.

"Hard to say…I can't pinpoint the exact moment I knew that I wouldn't suffer like that forever; that I could be happy again, despite what happened to me. Maybe it was when I got Noah. For the first few months, I couldn't look at him without smiling. He saved me." The older woman's eyes were full of love when she talked about her little boy and Amanda couldn't help but smile, too.

"And the nightmares…?"

A shadow flashed over Olivia's face and her expression turned more solemn.

"I still have them from time to time. Some cases remind me of him and then it usually gets worse." she admitted honestly.

Amanda grew silent and the brunette knew it was her turn.

"Do you have dreams about Esther?" she probed gently.

"Every night."

"Do you want to tell me about them?"

Amanda shrugged and twisted her hands nervously, her throat suddenly dry.

"That's okay. You don't have to talk about them if you don't want to. But I can tell you from experience that shining a light into the darkest corners of your mind…it helps. Plus, I've been told I'm a great listener." She winked and the smaller woman immediately felt more at ease.

"It's not that I don't _want_ to tell you. I just don't want you to think that I'm…pathetic. Or crazy."

"Amanda," Olivia took her hand in both of hers and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "You know I would never think that."

"It's not just Esther…" the blonde hastily blurted out and Olivia nodded encouragingly.

"It's all a little jumbled, but in most of my nightmares there are _other_ people that I need to save in one way or another. People I care about." Her expression was full of pain again.

"Jesse?" Olivia supplied sympathetically.

The smaller woman nodded. "Jesse. Kim. Reese. And…"

"And?"

"…and you."

The brunette was stunned for a moment. She didn't really know how to respond to that revelation.

"I shouldn't have told you that." Amanda was shaking her head at her own stupidity, regret and embarrassment sneaking up on her and reaching their ugly claws out, but Olivia acted quickly and tugged at the hand she was still holding before the blonde could retreat into her shell.

"I'm glad you did, Amanda. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me about your dreams. If it helps you in any way, I'll always be here to listen, I can promise you that."

"I just want to know how I can make them stop." Amanda fixed her lieutenant with a pleading look and the older woman's heart clenched.

"I know you don't want to hear it, but you should really talk to a professional about that, Amanda. As you so kindly pointed out not too long ago, I'm not a shrink." Olivia cocked a brow and a teasing smile graced her lips before she turned serious again. "So maybe I'm not the best-equipped person to give out advice on how to do that."

"But you've been through trauma," Amanda argued without missing a beat, "and you've come out on the other side stronger and without…without doing something stupid." She finished her sentence kind of awkwardly and started to pick at the skin under her fingernails.

"Who says I didn't do anything stupid?" Olivia raised her eyebrows questioningly.

Amanda opened her mouth and closed it again without uttering a word.

The brunette sighed deeply.

"Right after my… _abduction_ , there were days that I…couldn't make myself get out of bed. I kept the shades down and the curtains drawn and I told Brian that I wanted to be alone even though I didn't, I just couldn't…"She stopped herself, not ready to share her most intimate thoughts and feelings from that time.  
"Brian's a good man, but he's…complicated and hot-headed. And I could barely deal with my own feelings, so spending energy on dealing with _his_ on top of everything else was just…too much. So I asked him to leave and he did."

The blonde hung on to her lips, feeling honored that Olivia was sharing something so private with her.

"When he was gone, nobody was there to witness when I fell apart. I had so many nightmares that I barely slept for days at a time, until I was so tired that I passed out. On most days, the thought of eating made me nauseous, so I just didn't. And then, of course, there was the drinking."

The older woman let out a hollow laugh and she didn't look at Amanda when she continued, afraid to see disappointment in her detective's eyes.

"I'd sworn to myself a long time ago that I'd rather eat my gun than end up like my mother and there I was…" she choked slightly on her words and Amanda placed a small hand on her shoulder, rubbing it softly to comfort her.

It pained her to see Olivia hurting. She didn't know that the older woman had been in such a dark place and she felt a sharp pang of guilt at the thought that the brunette had gone through that rough time all alone.

Olivia threw her a quick thankful glance and Amanda could see the vulnerability and tears shining in her eyes.

"Anyway…on one of my better days I told myself I had to stop before I lost control completely. I started seeing Dr. Lindstrom and the nightmares got less and less frequent. I stopped drinking. My appetite came back. And so did my happiness, when Noah came into my life." She smiled. "So yes, I did do some pretty stupid things, too, Amanda. The path to healing is not straightforward and it's not easy. But it's worth it."

The blonde took in everything for a minute before lifting her gaze to meet Olivia's eyes.

"You're the strongest person I know, Liv." Her voice was full of conviction and admiration.

Olivia chuckled and squeezed her hand tightly.

"Takes one to know one, huh?"

"What, me? Nah, I'm just hard to kill." Amanda flashed her a crooked smile and Olivia laughed out loud before getting serious again.

"You're giving me way too much credit, Amanda, and you're giving yourself too little." She whispered with a hint of sadness.

"What Lewis did to you was so much worse than anything that's ever happened to me." Amanda insisted stubbornly and Olivia could tell that the young woman was gearing up to argue with her again.

"Well, my therapist says that it's not healthy to compare your pain to that of others, because it's a game that literally _no one_ can win. And I believe that is true. Just because someone's had it worse doesn't mean your pain isn't valid. It doesn't mean that you're not allowed to feel whatever you're feeling. It doesn't mean you're not deserving of help or comfort…or love."

The older woman's voice was vibrating with the intensity of her words as she was trying to drill that message into her stubborn detective's head. Unfortunately, Amanda seemed to move down a different road.

"I just don't understand why I'm taking this so hard. I barely even _knew_ Esther when she died. Why can't I stop dreaming about her? Why am I such a sobbing mess all of a sudden? I am _not_ like this. So weak and…broken." The blonde was getting agitated.

"You are _not_ weak and you are _not_ broken, Amanda." Olivia's voice was stern now and she could feel the smaller woman starting to pull back from her, both physically and emotionally.

"Hey, stop that right now and _listen_." Amanda looked up at the sound of Olivia's lieutenant voice and felt her boss's sparkling eyes boring into hers with fierce passion.

"You feel guilty that an innocent woman is dead and you're alive, yes or no?"

"I don't know what you-"

" _Yes_ or _no_?"

The blonde frowned and looked at Olivia with big eyes. "Yes."

"You believe that a better detective than yourself could have prevented her death, yes or no?"

"Yes."

"You're afraid that your co-workers will look at you differently now; that they will see you as weak and not trust you to do your job like you used to, yes or no?"

Amanda gulped visibly. "Yes."

"Sometimes even _you_ doubt that you can do your job the way you used to, and that thought scares you more than anything, yes or no?"

Amanda sniffed and averted her gaze, blonde hair hiding her face as she looked to the ground. Olivia scooted closer to the smaller woman and cupped her chin with her right hand, eyes searching for two deep pools of emotion.

"Yes or no?" She repeated in a whisper.

Amanda tilted her head in defeat and a single tear broke free.

"Yes."

"Then you are feeling exactly what I was feeling after Lewis abducted me and tortured and raped and killed innocent people because of me." Olivia's voice was shaking as the memories broke down her mental barriers, but she kept going. She had to do this for Amanda.

"That's what I thought about and that's what I felt when I laid on my couch with a bottle of vodka in my hand. But these are feelings, not facts."

As soon as the words had left her mouth, a familiar face popped into her mind. Another blonde with long, smooth hair and bitterness etched on her face. Another young woman who had experienced trauma and who Olivia had desperately tried to reach with her words. _Sarah Walsh_.

She zapped back to the present day when she felt a small, warm body shuffling closer to her. She blinked twice and the other girl's face disappeared. Instead, she found Amanda Rollins' eyes staring up at her.

"Where were you just now?" she asked carefully, eyes alert and full of concern.

"I took a trip down memory lane."

Amanda waited for her to elaborate, but the brunette didn't feel like opening more doors to the past, so she remained quiet. The blonde looked at Olivia from the side, her gaze lingering on the tremor in her slim hand, likely the aftershock of diving into her own painful past yet again.

Amanda could feel it rise rapidly in her chest; the desperate need to reciprocate, to show Olivia that she wanted to be there for her in the same way that the older woman had been there for her. The blonde shifted in her spot timidly, not sure what to do, when she realized that Olivia had caught her stare and was now tucking her trembling hand away in shame.

Without a second thought, Amanda flung herself at Olivia, wrapping her surprised lieutenant into a tight hug, one hand on the taller woman's back, the other entangled in silky brown locks. After the initial shock, Olivia moved in to hug her back softly, her eyes closed and a content sigh on her lips.

"Liv?"

The brunette hummed in response.

"I'm really glad you came here today."

Olivia's eyes fluttered open and the smile on her lips broadened, even though the blonde couldn't see it.

"I'm glad too, honey."

Finally, Amanda leaned back a little, keeping her arm loosely around Olivia's back, still in need of the physical connection to her source of courage for what she planned to do.

"Can I borrow your phone for a second?"

Olivia was stunned for a fleeting moment but recovered quickly and nodded.

She watched Amanda scroll for a couple of seconds before she raised the phone to her ear, anxiety clearly evident in the way she chewed on her bottom lip.

"Hi…no, this is not Olivia. My um…my name is Amanda Rollins."

The blonde listened to the voice on the other side and a relieved sigh escaped her lips and took away some of the tension in her shoulders.

"Yes, it's been a while." She blushed. "I was wondering if you could possibly squeeze me in for a referral sometime?"

Olivia felt her throat close up when Amanda tentatively raised her eyes to meet her own shiny brown orbs.

"Yeah, that works for me. Thank you, Dr. Lindstrom. I'll see you on Thursday."

The blonde hung up and before she could do or say anything, Olivia wordlessly pulled her in for a second hug, this one longer and more tender. Amanda was torn between relief and embarrassment, but decided to ignore her self-doubt for once and just take what was being so freely and lovingly offered to her, melting into the older woman's embrace, their hearts beating in tandem.

After a full minute, Olivia let go of the blonde, just to immediately take her face into her hands and look her detective in the eyes with unabashed pride and joy.

"I am SO proud of you, Amanda. I know how hard that was for you."

The smaller woman shrugged sheepishly and had to suppress a self-conscious frown.

"It's really not that big a deal, Liv."

"Yes, it is, and you know that damn well, Amanda Rollins. Don't act so nonchalant about it and just feel good about yourself for once, will ya?" the brunette chastised her gently.

Amanda grimaced and Olivia's laughter filled the tiny cracks in her wounded soul; at least for a little while, she felt whole again.

 _Now or never._

"Will you do me one more favor?"

"Whatever you need, Amanda." Olivia responded sincerely, her face still lit up, with a hint of eagerness twinkling in the corner of her eyes.

"Can you…come with me? To the appointment?" Amanda's voice got a little higher at the end.

Olivia's eyes softened immeasurably and she reached out with both hands – because that's what she always did for the people she cared about– to take Amanda's.

"Of course," she said, her voice a deep, velvety hum, "I'll be right there by your side."


End file.
